Corn Starts Brawl; Is Slaughtered!

Last night, at 9:59 PM, several niblets of C.O.R.N. started a massive brawl with the Swedish Breakdancing team. Thankfully, the members were smart enough to bring a portable microwave and some butter with them at all times. The units were slaughtered and made into refreshments for the local movie theater. Sadly, one of the stars of the team were critically scratched. Please send them your cheer and wellness.

Now do you see? CORN MUST BE STOPPED! IT CAN'T JUST GO ON INJURING INNOCENT, SWEDISH BREAKDANCING SENSATIONS LIKE THIS!!! IT MUST BE STOPPED!!!! NOW!!!!! YOU CAN EAT THOSE POTATO CHIPS LATER!!!!

I SAID NOW!!!

Corn SHOPLIFTS!!!

Corn was caught at the Lehigh Valley Mall shoplifting from Subway. The secret operative was stopped from bringing the store's soda fountain into its car. When asked for its defense statement, this C.O.R.N. operative said:

"Corn just wanted his Fanta. Don't YOOOOOU wantaFanta???"

Do you really WantaFanta?? Or do you want JUSTICE AND A FANTA???!!!

Choose wisely.

Or else our world will be forever ruled by communist CORN!!!!

AND WHO WANTS THAT??!?!???!

Captive Secured

We have secured the poor captive in the photo below. Though thoroughly shaken, he told this reporter that he learned from this experience.

"I've learned to HATE!!! TO HATE CORN AND ITS KERNELS OF EVIL!!! HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Corn nearly killed my entire family!!!!! AND it slashed prices at the mall... ALONG WITH HALf THE STORES!!! OMG!!! CORN MUST PERISH!!! PERISH!!!"

At this point, he was too upset to even continue.

So ask yourself: Is C.O.R.N really what you think it is? Is it a pretty vegetable? Or a yellow-bellied villian of EVIL???!!!! The answer's really obvious. It's the second one. Corn is just plain BAD.

What has Corn ever done for you, anyway???!!!

Why do people even trust corn? Why do you trust corn? What has corn ever done for you??!!! You want more proof that corn is undeniably evil and communist? Look at that picture:

Right there.....

at the left...

Yeah... look how evil corn is. It clearly has taken over the mind of that poor victim and is now trying to take him to the army of C.O.R.N., with all its "ears" and "niblets" of EVIL. WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'LL DO TO HIM!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!

Please send funds to support our fleet of corn-fighting justice HEROES!!!!

CORN RAVAGES MAILBOX; GIVES COMMUNIST-LIKE STATEMENT THAT WE TOTALLY DIDN'T MAKE UP

12:38 PM

Center Valley, PA

Only a few short minutes ago, a unit of C.O.R.N., also known as an 'ear' (probably a spy of some sort), was found rummaging around in this reporter's mailbox. When threatened with a barbeque and tongs, the agent admitted to trying to rip apart the Domestications magazine in an attempt to get an equal amount of magazine to every house in the neighborhood. Here is yet MORE evidence that corn is clearly communist.

"OMG! I SAW THAT CORN!!! I KNEW ITS PLOT!!!! Last night, corn MURDERED an innocent street lamp!!!" This was the testimony witness Kelly Pharrell had to offer. Pictures from the scenes of both crimes are above. To the left, that poor streetlamp with so much life ahead of it, lying in a pool of blood after being shot by CORN. To the right, a picture of corn, clearly guilty, standing beside the mailbox it was raiding.

Keep your eyes out... Corn is everywhere.

What is Corn??!????!?!??!?!!

What is corn? What is it REALLY up to? Greetings, Center Valley. I am an anonymous reporter writing to tell you all about how wrong, communist, and just plain bad corn really is. Do you even KNOW how bad corn is? No. Of course you don't. You just think it's a pretty yellow vegetable like the rest of the brainwashed corn-lovers that the government probes with all their fun nanobots and whatnot. So, what is corn? Let me tell you.

Corn is actually a clever acronym for the phrase "Car-stealing Operatives [who are] Really Not nice. " Clever, I know. The government couldn't even crack this code. That's why we, at the Corn is Bad, And You Know it, Co. plant knew we had to put a stop to this. Corn is BAD. IT JUST IS! Let me tell you why.

Last year, we thought corn was just bad, like microwavable gunpowder. Sure, they're both pre-packaged and ready-to-go, but are they good-to-go? Our researchers at Taco Bell had lots to say.

"Corn cannot be allowed any control. It is ready to strike without any warning. The truth is: Corn... is COMMUNIST. We were shocked to discover this. But the evidence is undeniable. Just look at these tapes we have..."

This anonymous scientist gave us a top-secret video of corn. I won't go into it with great detail to protect the innocent and/or squeamish, but the memorable quote is:

"Yeah. Corn is totally communist. Corn thought you guys knew that. Corn discussed it with you guys just yesterday at lunch."

"Well we didn't have our recording equipment then. Say that other thing, you know... that really dramatic line!"

"Oh... Uh... Wasn't it something like 'And corn is mobilized against you all! Fear corn! FEAR HIM!!' or something like that?"

"Yeah. Now, say that all serious again."

"Ok... Erm... AND CORN IS MOBILIZED AGAINST ALL YOU!!! FEAR CORN!! FEAR US!!!"

----End clip----

Do you know who said this dastardly quote? I'll tell you: IT WAS CORN!!! Corn speaks of itself in the third person. So know your corn. Fear it. HATE IT. KILL IT!!!!!!