What is Corn??!????!?!??!?!!

What is corn? What is it REALLY up to? Greetings, Center Valley. I am an anonymous reporter writing to tell you all about how wrong, communist, and just plain bad corn really is. Do you even KNOW how bad corn is? No. Of course you don't. You just think it's a pretty yellow vegetable like the rest of the brainwashed corn-lovers that the government probes with all their fun nanobots and whatnot. So, what is corn? Let me tell you.

Corn is actually a clever acronym for the phrase "Car-stealing Operatives [who are] Really Not nice. " Clever, I know. The government couldn't even crack this code. That's why we, at the Corn is Bad, And You Know it, Co. plant knew we had to put a stop to this. Corn is BAD. IT JUST IS! Let me tell you why.

Last year, we thought corn was just bad, like microwavable gunpowder. Sure, they're both pre-packaged and ready-to-go, but are they good-to-go? Our researchers at Taco Bell had lots to say.

"Corn cannot be allowed any control. It is ready to strike without any warning. The truth is: Corn... is COMMUNIST. We were shocked to discover this. But the evidence is undeniable. Just look at these tapes we have..."

This anonymous scientist gave us a top-secret video of corn. I won't go into it with great detail to protect the innocent and/or squeamish, but the memorable quote is:

"Yeah. Corn is totally communist. Corn thought you guys knew that. Corn discussed it with you guys just yesterday at lunch."

"Well we didn't have our recording equipment then. Say that other thing, you know... that really dramatic line!"

"Oh... Uh... Wasn't it something like 'And corn is mobilized against you all! Fear corn! FEAR HIM!!' or something like that?"

"Yeah. Now, say that all serious again."

"Ok... Erm... AND CORN IS MOBILIZED AGAINST ALL YOU!!! FEAR CORN!! FEAR US!!!"

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Do you know who said this dastardly quote? I'll tell you: IT WAS CORN!!! Corn speaks of itself in the third person. So know your corn. Fear it. HATE IT. KILL IT!!!!!!